I am sorry I have to give this speech.

I am sorry I am not the kind of man you hope to vote for.

I made mistakes when I was younger;

to those who my mistakes harmed,

if my apology wasn’t enough

or if it never came, I’m sorry.

I apologize for those people who will make your troubles theirs,

not out of empathy, but because party lines

have placed you in the crossfire.

I am sorry that in my pursuit of an office

I felt it necessary to climb into bed with lobbyists

who bought my interest.

I am sorry for the promises I make

that I won’t be able to keep.

I am sorry that I have the charisma and charm of Ted Bundy.

I am sorry he and I share a deserved lack of trust.

I am sorry that in the next four years I won’t fix

all the problems plaguing our country.

I know some will get worse

and new ones will even arise.

To the nation’s mothers, I am sorry

that many of you will bury sons under a folded flag.

I am sorry that during my tenure “America” looses value,

making your family’s sacrifice an exorcise in irony.

To the other candidates, I am sorry

that I will get voted in because the sexists, ageists, and racists

aren’t ready to see you take your turn on the throne of democracy.

I am sorry that like a newly minted penny

I will tarnish and weather under the stress of

life on the political stage.

I am sorry this apology fails to cover the multitude of sins

committed by the red hands of bureaucracy.

America, I am sorry I won’t be…, do…, better.

America, I am sorry, but I will try.

America, I’m sorry that I will fail before I ever get the chance to start.