I am sorry I have to give this speech.
I am sorry I am not the kind of man you hope to vote for.
I made mistakes when I was younger;
to those who my mistakes harmed,
if my apology wasn’t enough
or if it never came, I’m sorry.
I apologize for those people who will make your troubles theirs,
not out of empathy, but because party lines
have placed you in the crossfire.
I am sorry that in my pursuit of an office
I felt it necessary to climb into bed with lobbyists
who bought my interest.
I am sorry for the promises I make
that I won’t be able to keep.
I am sorry that I have the charisma and charm of Ted Bundy.
I am sorry he and I share a deserved lack of trust.
I am sorry that in the next four years I won’t fix
all the problems plaguing our country.
I know some will get worse
and new ones will even arise.
To the nation’s mothers, I am sorry
that many of you will bury sons under a folded flag.
I am sorry that during my tenure “America” looses value,
making your family’s sacrifice an exorcise in irony.
To the other candidates, I am sorry
that I will get voted in because the sexists, ageists, and racists
aren’t ready to see you take your turn on the throne of democracy.
I am sorry that like a newly minted penny
I will tarnish and weather under the stress of
life on the political stage.
I am sorry this apology fails to cover the multitude of sins
committed by the red hands of bureaucracy.
America, I am sorry I won’t be…, do…, better.
America, I am sorry, but I will try.
America, I’m sorry that I will fail before I ever get the chance to start.