The desire or expectation that life is to be lead with immediacy and moments are to be responded to instantly with little time for reflection, meditation, or the process of simply “being”.
I think this is where I’m supposed to tell you why I’m unhappy.
I’m staring up at a bright white moon listening to the crickets trying to find the words to say that I don’t love you anymore. I used to mean it when I said it but I think we just aren’t the same people we were when we met and people change and grow and sometimes they just don’t grow together. And I’m sorry and I hate that you can’t hear the hurt I’m causing you because I’m too unsure of how to speak these words out loud because even though I’m don’t love you anymore I can’t stand to see you hate me. I swear I’m trying but the words just won’t come out. I can see it on your face that you know I want to say something. You’re looking into my eyes right now and its breaking my heart because I want to reassure you that everything is fine but it isn’t and you look so in love…
I … So … I’ve got nothing.
Knowing when to cover up is
Knowing to cover up in front of
is you bringing me shame.
Today is one of those days that I wish I could cry.
Even just a tear or two.
It has to feel better than the heavy smile I keep dragging up my face.
I walk to my car with my keys between my knuckles and my head on a swivel any time I pass a bush.
Safe and sound at home an internet pop up tries to sell me a subscription to a rape fantasy website.
And I wonder if either of us understands what that word means. Fantasy.
I fantasize about not being afraid to tell a date I live alone.
I fantasize about not being worried when I call a plumber and a strange man shows up at my door.
I fantasize about falling in love with a man who always makes sure I feel safe.